I’m going to try to explain how I reached a brief state of enlightenment watching half of the worst music video of all time, what my train of thought was during this very brief period of time, and how famed internet personality Anthony Fantano nearly had me at odds with my steadfast moral principles.
So, the story goes…
I wanted to listen to some soft ass simp shit (because that kind of thing is hilarious to me) so naturally I chose the lead single off of Robin “Don’t Call Me A Misogynist Drunk” Thicke’s new debacle of an album.
For those of you who don’t know, the title of this album is Paula, which apparently is a tribute to his recently estranged wife. That is some soft ass shit, especially considering the context of last year’s “Blurred Lines” being one of the biggest radio hits that I can recall.
The album fucking tanked because nobody wants to listen to a middle aged white R&B sex symbol cry about his marital issues for 14 songs (17 if you were smart and got the beefier Target edition). I mean, don’t get me wrong. We all love a good old fashioned heart break record, but only if the heartbreaker is an ambiguous figure which allows us to live vicariously through the singer’s words.
This nutless dog shit was doomed from the start. Old Boy should’ve just hit Miley up and gone full scum bag because nobody is going to feel sorry for the guy going through a divorce when he was also the one who wrote “Blurred Lines”.
He’s getting his.
So I’m watching this incredibly shitty video, which is just a grueling close up of this douche bag’s fat fucking head all wimpery and sad while what appears to be these pathetic, desperate captures of a text message conversation scroll across his cunty face.
Hey Robin, here’s a fucking clue. If you’re trying to fix your marriage via SMS communication you are doing something VERY wrong.
This video is so bad, I mean SO bad, that I had to do something I never do, which is to look at the comment section.
Now I don’t know if you’re familiar with particular corner of the bowels of the internet, but YouTube comment boards are a breeding ground of mentally deranged inbreeds having full blown brain diarrhea in a slew of grammatical errors and outrageous ways of expressing their terrible opinions. I steer clear of this horrid phenomenon at all costs.
But, as I said, with this being the absolute worst song/video combination of all time, I just had to see what my fellow human beings thought of it.
Much to my surprise, the very first comment was famed internet personality and distant impersonal friend of mine Anthony Fantano (of TheNeedleDrop fame) sympathizing with our dear heartbroken Robin Thicke.
You can do better, girl!! Run away!!!
Then I thought to myself.
Maybe I’m being an insensitive douche.
If the internet’s busiest music nerd can take some precious time out of his day to not only listen to this piss jug of a song but also put his reputation on the line and personally reach out to Robin Thicke with words of encouragement, I should be able to see that this man is going through a tough time. I should be kind and understanding.
I’ve been heartbroken. I know how that feels. I’ve written some gut wrenchingly bad songs about my ex’s (I’m smart enough not to share them with anybody, which was ol’ Thicky’s big fumble, but we’re not here to judge anymore at this point in my story). My point is, I should follow suit with dear Anthony and show Robin some compassion.
Then I looked back up at the video and realized that Robin Thicke was not the only star of this back-alley-abortion that is the video for “Get Her Back”.
There is a female who, after some brief Googling, bears a striking resemblance to Robin Thicke’s now ex-wfe, Paula Patton. All at once it dawned on me that Anthony Fantano was not reaching out to Robin Thicke in a moment of sympathetic back patting.
He was actually warning the would-be Paula Patton, which is also a heroic gesture in and of itself (it would seem this guy can do no wrong). It was nice to see that even a fella like Anthony Fantano, in a moment of weakness, is willing the throw himself into a crowd that has virtually no grasp on the English language or reality in an attempt to warn this actress of the impending doom that comes with entering into a relationship of any nature with the despised son of Growing Pains star Alan Thicke.
I guess the point I’m trying to make with all of this is that Robin Thicke is a pathetic feeb who should be taken out behind a shed somewhere in Illinois and put down, while Anthony Fantano probably deserves some kind of award that is accepted at a ceremony in a neutral European country.